Detoxify now!

And I'm not just talking about the toxins inside your body but also those outside and in your life.

Starbucks in the morning - with Ewad

Having breakfast with Ewad - highlight of my week :)

Still the one

After a long time, he's still the one

Wala lang

Just want to test if this blog still works

The Object of my Affection

This blog is all about Ewad, the only man I will ever love.

I miss you like crazy

Hi,
It’s still hard. Sometimes that heavy hand of loneliness still press at my heart and I find it hard to breathe. There are times when the shields I created to protect myself are not strong enough and they (loneliness and fear) still reach me, and punish me until I have to weep and beg for them to stop. I still dream of the day when you come back to me. And everything will be alright again. But I know that day may never come.

My prayers for Ewad

Lord God these are my prayers for Ewad:

1. That he'll be there tomorrow because by showing up, things are not as bad as I fear.
2. That they've worked out, or at least there is hope of working things out.
3. That he's alright.
4. That he won't resign at least not in the near future.
5. That he's alright. Never mind me. But please make me ok too.
6. That there is hope of correcting this with Gail, that she hasn't seen the chats.
7. That we can still fix this (Please Father God)
8. That if all of the above is granted; I will leave them alone (I need help with this Father God)

My Prayers for myself:

1. That I would be able to wake up in the morning and not have panic attacks.
2. That I would be able to still see the world as a happy place to live in.
3. That I would still have hope.

Ewad checks in just in time...

October 3, 2011 - I miss him so much it hurts. He checks in and everything's okay. I tell myself, I have to start trying to live without him, but I don't know if I can do that.

EWAD

All of the things written here seemed so meaningless. And the person who wrote them, she doesn't exist anymore. She is a new person now. Her world, her dreams, her beliefs, everything she felt; all of these have changed. All because of one person. Ewad. How can that be? How can one person take your life, turn it upside down and so completely messed up that you don't recognize it anymore. This new me, I don't know her. All her joys, her happiness, her dreams, her heart, Ewad holds them now. And if Ewad leaves which is a very likely possibility, her world would become a gloomy, lonely, unlivable place with no air, no colors, just a nameless unfathomable sadness. She's scared. So scared.

Daragang Magayon

Well I did see Mayon, and it was nothing like I've ever imagined. If she was a celebrity I could say that I was starstruck. She was simply breathtaking. Above are a couple of pictures I took. Legaspi is beautiful, I think I like it better than Naga (which is a little more congested, kinda like Manila) but I don't know, I haven't seen much of it except the city. All in all Camsur is a great place to go, I would go there again in a heartbeat. I loved my stay there even though it was mostly work. And one more thing, the food is great. I think I gained a couple of pounds. I couldn't stop eating, their bicol express is soooo good. We ate at Triboo Grill and Graceland. Both their bicol express are so good. I also tried burger at Bigg's, much better than the leading fast food chains in the country.

Hello Naga!

We will go to Naga on Thursday, for a 5 day visit to our satellite office  there. It's purely business though. But I hope to see Mayon. I mean it might be my only chance to see it. I don't go to Naga everyday.

Famous for its perfectly shaped-cone Mayon volcano is found in Bicol. Tourists always added Mayon Volcano to their itinerary not only to see personally the majestic sight this volcano offers but also to see the famous Cagsawa church bell tower. It is the only thing left when a massive eruption burried the whole Cagsawa during the early 1800’s. When you visit Mayon volcano, be sure to buy souvenir items and taste the famous pili nut candy.

One down, a million things to go

(Sigh) The quarterly reporting is done. I survived it. It's like a big rock has been lifted off my shoulders. But I don't feel like celebrating, because that's just one of a gazillion things I have to face before the year ends. Oh God, please give me the strength to face all of it.

Things to do to snap out of it

Okay, I have been thinking, and I think if I want to get my life on track these are the things I have to do:

1. Even though I hate my job now, it's the only job I have and there are no other prospects at the moment, so I have to do better at work, because I can't afford to get fired. I have to go to work early so I don't feel cranky when I'm running late and it's so hot because it's almost noon and the sun is at its hottest. And my bosses are beginning to notice my tardiness. I have got to finish all my projects. The mid-year planning session is coming up.
2. I have to stop being so damned afraid. I have been dreading the mid-year planning session, I said to myself I'm gonna face it this time. Because at the year-end planning session, I chickened out and I took off and it disappointed my boss. It would only take 5 minutes of my life and I think it won't kill me. I will survive it. Plus, it's not like I'm gonna be facing the smartest, wisest people on earth. Some of them are not that smart.
3. I have to stop buying things that are not important. I will hide my credit card and hopefully forget where I hid it. I know it's dumb but... I have been spending money I don't have. And I plan not to use my credit card until I've paid all my dues.
   

Well that's all I've got for now. It's not much but it's a start..

Wake Up Joy!

These past few weeks, I feel like I have been sleeping (actually, all I wanted to do was, in fact it still is, sleep) I feel like the last few months of my life has slipped by and I didn't even notice it. I have got to get my self together. Time is flying by so fast, and I don't want to wake up one day and realize my life is over. I don't know how or where to start but, I have to snap out of this. I have to. I have got to get all my affairs in line, starting with my finances which is way out of line. I have been spending money I don't have. If I want to get out of the job I'm presently stuck in, I have to save. If I want to do the things, I have been dreaming about (like traveling), I have to start now. Oh God please help me. I feel like my mind has been on a stand by, and it's so easy to just lie back and watch my life drift by. I don't like what's happening to me and I'm powerless to stop it. At least I think I am. How do I snap out of this?

I hate my self

I hate my self. Right now I'm plagued with self-loathing. I did it again, lost my self control and consequently hurting the people I love. It's my self that I hate, not them. Everything that's happening to me, every single thing that went wrong was because of my own doing. Aaarrrggghhh!

I chickened out!

A few weeks before the planning session, I decided I wasn't gonna run away from fear anymore. I said to myself, I am going to face this no matter what happens. I said there's no point in running away because I can't escape any longer. I just had to accept the fact that it's going to be like this from now on. Then, on the night before the actual planning session, where I had to stand before all the officers, managers and of course the top management and present my report, I panicked. I chickened out and I took off. I didn't care anymore. I just had to run away. Again.

A Bad Day

I feel down. My birthday is coming up. I feel like nothing in my life is where it's supposed to be. I'm tired and my dreams aren't as appealing as they used to be. They don't bring comfort any more. When I'm having a bad day, I turn to my dreams and they bring me hope.

I have been fighting it, this hopelessness, and there are days that it's stronger than me, than my dreams. Looks like today is a bad day.

This time, it's really goodbye...

I think I have moved on. I mean I know I have. I hardly ever think of him anymore. I don't miss him at all. Well, there are still times when I think about him but it's always just looking back without any emotion. Although, there's still the wondering about what could have been, but I feel no regrets at all. I still wonder where he is or what he's doing, but that's all. I don't want to overanalyze it anymore. I have moved on and that's that.

Spider

The other night, a huge spider came crawling at my feet. I was practicing the piano. I am terrified of bugs, specially spider and scorpions. I called out to my sisters for help and they just ignored me. I got really mad at them for refusing to help me. I have been hospitalized once when I got stung by a scorpion. I am terrified and they did not take that seriously. Like I was just acting. I pleaded and pleaded but they still did not listen. Frustrated and feeling helpless, I turned my attention to the spider. It was up to me, no one wanted to help me so I had to kill the spider myself. Then suddenly all my fears were gone, it was replaced by this new found determination to kill the spider before it hurt me. It was the spider or me. I know I sound a bit melodramatic but it could be poisonous, I could die here. Then I wasn't scared anymore. My frustration with my sisters, my determination to live (I know, melodramatic, but please humour me) they made me feel intrepid, so I smashed the spider with a broom's handle. That killed the spider instantly. My anger for the spider was gone, I actually felt sorry for it, but I was still mad at my sisters. They never take my fears for bugs seriously, they think I'm just acting. That little incident, no matter how insignificant it must have been for them, it made me think about a lot of things. How I should start getting used to looking out for myself, because at the end of the day, you can only rely on your self. Sure, they'll help you once in a while or maybe often but there's still that one time when there's no one there to help you. I should learn to do everything on my own.

JBP

Why is it that every time he talks to me, I become a complete idiot? My brain can’t seem to process anything and I would always end up nodding at every word he says. Nodding my head off, that’s the only thing I’m capable of. I want to show him that I have a head on my shoulders, that there’s a smart and funny girl underneath this idiotic façade. Why can’t I be myself whenever he’s around? Is it because he’s so damned smart there isn’t a single thing I could possibly say that would remotely interest him? One look from him and it sends me spinning out of control. I have to clench my hands together to stop them from trembling, God I’m pathetic. Sometimes I try to avoid having any conversation with him, I don’t even want him to see me; I mean my discomfort, my uneasiness is there for him to see. I wish I was invisible to him. And he’s probably laughing at me. He’s probably discussing me with his friends or God forbid his wife. And then they would double over with laughter saying over and over “poor little inexperienced Joy, she’s no doubt still a virgin” Oh God it’s killing me just thinking about it. Or maybe he doesn’t even notice my stupidity. I think the latter is a lot better.