I chickened out!

A few weeks before the planning session, I decided I wasn't gonna run away from fear anymore. I said to myself, I am going to face this no matter what happens. I said there's no point in running away because I can't escape any longer. I just had to accept the fact that it's going to be like this from now on. Then, on the night before the actual planning session, where I had to stand before all the officers, managers and of course the top management and present my report, I panicked. I chickened out and I took off. I didn't care anymore. I just had to run away. Again.

A Bad Day

I feel down. My birthday is coming up. I feel like nothing in my life is where it's supposed to be. I'm tired and my dreams aren't as appealing as they used to be. They don't bring comfort any more. When I'm having a bad day, I turn to my dreams and they bring me hope.

I have been fighting it, this hopelessness, and there are days that it's stronger than me, than my dreams. Looks like today is a bad day.

This time, it's really goodbye...

I think I have moved on. I mean I know I have. I hardly ever think of him anymore. I don't miss him at all. Well, there are still times when I think about him but it's always just looking back without any emotion. Although, there's still the wondering about what could have been, but I feel no regrets at all. I still wonder where he is or what he's doing, but that's all. I don't want to overanalyze it anymore. I have moved on and that's that.

Spider

The other night, a huge spider came crawling at my feet. I was practicing the piano. I am terrified of bugs, specially spider and scorpions. I called out to my sisters for help and they just ignored me. I got really mad at them for refusing to help me. I have been hospitalized once when I got stung by a scorpion. I am terrified and they did not take that seriously. Like I was just acting. I pleaded and pleaded but they still did not listen. Frustrated and feeling helpless, I turned my attention to the spider. It was up to me, no one wanted to help me so I had to kill the spider myself. Then suddenly all my fears were gone, it was replaced by this new found determination to kill the spider before it hurt me. It was the spider or me. I know I sound a bit melodramatic but it could be poisonous, I could die here. Then I wasn't scared anymore. My frustration with my sisters, my determination to live (I know, melodramatic, but please humour me) they made me feel intrepid, so I smashed the spider with a broom's handle. That killed the spider instantly. My anger for the spider was gone, I actually felt sorry for it, but I was still mad at my sisters. They never take my fears for bugs seriously, they think I'm just acting. That little incident, no matter how insignificant it must have been for them, it made me think about a lot of things. How I should start getting used to looking out for myself, because at the end of the day, you can only rely on your self. Sure, they'll help you once in a while or maybe often but there's still that one time when there's no one there to help you. I should learn to do everything on my own.

JBP

Why is it that every time he talks to me, I become a complete idiot? My brain can’t seem to process anything and I would always end up nodding at every word he says. Nodding my head off, that’s the only thing I’m capable of. I want to show him that I have a head on my shoulders, that there’s a smart and funny girl underneath this idiotic façade. Why can’t I be myself whenever he’s around? Is it because he’s so damned smart there isn’t a single thing I could possibly say that would remotely interest him? One look from him and it sends me spinning out of control. I have to clench my hands together to stop them from trembling, God I’m pathetic. Sometimes I try to avoid having any conversation with him, I don’t even want him to see me; I mean my discomfort, my uneasiness is there for him to see. I wish I was invisible to him. And he’s probably laughing at me. He’s probably discussing me with his friends or God forbid his wife. And then they would double over with laughter saying over and over “poor little inexperienced Joy, she’s no doubt still a virgin” Oh God it’s killing me just thinking about it. Or maybe he doesn’t even notice my stupidity. I think the latter is a lot better.