I miss you like crazy

Hi,
It’s still hard. Sometimes that heavy hand of loneliness still press at my heart and I find it hard to breathe. There are times when the shields I created to protect myself are not strong enough and they (loneliness and fear) still reach me, and punish me until I have to weep and beg for them to stop. I still dream of the day when you come back to me. And everything will be alright again. But I know that day may never come.

My prayers for Ewad

Lord God these are my prayers for Ewad:

1. That he'll be there tomorrow because by showing up, things are not as bad as I fear.
2. That they've worked out, or at least there is hope of working things out.
3. That he's alright.
4. That he won't resign at least not in the near future.
5. That he's alright. Never mind me. But please make me ok too.
6. That there is hope of correcting this with Gail, that she hasn't seen the chats.
7. That we can still fix this (Please Father God)
8. That if all of the above is granted; I will leave them alone (I need help with this Father God)

My Prayers for myself:

1. That I would be able to wake up in the morning and not have panic attacks.
2. That I would be able to still see the world as a happy place to live in.
3. That I would still have hope.

Ewad checks in just in time...

October 3, 2011 - I miss him so much it hurts. He checks in and everything's okay. I tell myself, I have to start trying to live without him, but I don't know if I can do that.

EWAD

All of the things written here seemed so meaningless. And the person who wrote them, she doesn't exist anymore. She is a new person now. Her world, her dreams, her beliefs, everything she felt; all of these have changed. All because of one person. Ewad. How can that be? How can one person take your life, turn it upside down and so completely messed up that you don't recognize it anymore. This new me, I don't know her. All her joys, her happiness, her dreams, her heart, Ewad holds them now. And if Ewad leaves which is a very likely possibility, her world would become a gloomy, lonely, unlivable place with no air, no colors, just a nameless unfathomable sadness. She's scared. So scared.